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Sep. 23rd, 2008 @ 11:15 pm Seasons
State of being: empty
And so seasons change. Birth, growth, death rebirth.

And the cold makes me sick. Literally. First cold morning I wake up sick. I usually don't get sick. Yet it seems there's always been something wrong with my lately. Need to fix that.

I grown to despise the fall/winter. I'm a spring/summer person. And it has nothing to do with the weather. At least I don't think.

Things just seem to always get tough around this time. Work...school...my mind...relationships.

And I'm in the middle of it again. How will it pan out this time? As I sit dead center of these crossroads I can't help but wonder that maybe I asked for all of this. Things don't always happen when you want them to. Then WHAM and its all up in your face. Starting you down.

Your move.

Its hard dealing with emotions when you feel emotionally shaken. When you feel physically shaken. And sick. Conversations that would make anyone head hurt are a lot worse when you already feel like your head is in the clouds. A fog of congestion and a sore throat. Maybe a fever.

How are you supposed to make decisions when you're not centered. Yet amidst of it all I feel strangely placid. Somewhat centered. Somehow able to see everything shaking around me while I sit quietly still deciding when I have to move and get sucked into the whirlpool.

What will this season bring? A tidal wave. Change is around the corner. I always feel like I get through change kicking and screaming. I'm tired of that. I want to float swiftly down the river. Not saying its going to be easy, but at least I can see the end and move confidently down the path.

Now I just have to ask myself. What do I really want? Should I stake this out for a while longer...knowing that eventually it may go downhill. Or should I jump abroad now. I knew I was going to jump eventually. Its alot easier thinking about it than doing it. My mind had it all planned out, but it turns out my heart wasn't as ready to let go. Then there's the possibility it can all work out to an extent far greater than I can imagine. Though I find this doubtful.

Crap.

I hate having to be patient. And I hate myself for feeling somewhat excited that this is happening. Yet my heart hasn't yet decided to fully present itself. I don't know which extreme would disappoint me more. And knowing that whatever comes out of this...I can't but feel like I failed.

I pray this season will be good to me.
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Aug. 14th, 2008 @ 09:46 pm gr and ma
My grandma is the coolest person in the world. I would go as far as to say she's my hero. I've been around her for so long and she's been such a big part of me life since I was a wee lad. She's practically been like my 2nd mother and has raised me for a good deal of my life.

I just spend over an hour talking to her...which amazes me. There are very few people in this world I can talk to on the phone for over an hour...and its crazy thats she's one of them. And its not one of "those" conversations when it drags and you want to get off the phone, but it just goes back and forth and I'm into the conversation every bit of the way. It trips me out every time.
Especially because I am not a phone person at all...and I can honestly say that I enjoy every minute of our conversation.

So this one is for you grandma. You've taught me so much throughout the years and I thank you for being in my life. I love you,
-A
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Aug. 10th, 2008 @ 11:19 pm so tired
State of being: tired
Wheewh. I made it. I went to work feeling so energetic and happy but within an hour I started feeling really tired. My shifts usually go by pretty quickly (even when its slow) but today I couldn't wait to leave. It's been pretty calm lately so I thought I'd be fine, but it got hella busy. I so didn't want to work. I made good money thankfully, but damn I didn't want to work for it today.

Its interesting observing how my mood changes throughout time. Even when I go back and read a blog entry or whatnot. Damn this cold beer tastes good right now.

I will devise a device to chill beer right before it gets to its freezing point. I'd be rich.

What else what else. Lots of work this week...one of the bartenders last day was yesterday. So I get all his shifts :) sweet. Too bad I may have to give them up when school starts in a few weeks. Better take advantage.

Dieting sucks. I've been trying to count calories and eat better...but I've come to the conclusion it hasn't made a significant impact on my weight. I'm going to eat whatever the hell I want and just continue to workout and see what happens. I'm more than positive it'll be the same.

I just have to remember to eat well after a workout. Didn't do that today and damn my body felt it.

Hmm. Aiight I think I'm gonna watch some Olympic games. GO TEAM!!
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Jul. 1st, 2008 @ 01:11 pm aches and pains
State of being: thirsty
Experiencing: Lotus
Taking a break while in the middle of a workout. It takes so much discipline to get on a workout schedule. I don't trust myself doing it only a few times a week so I've been trying to do it everyday. So far so good.

I've acquired so much good music lately. Like 25 gigs in a few days. "Lotus" is the shit. So is The New Deal, Sufjan Stevens, Tortoise, Morrissey and The Smiths (of course), Kaskade, Estelle, Jimmy Chamberlin....etc.. Thom Yorke is still the man. Bastard.

I can't even listen to it all there's so much. I'm tempted just to play it all at once. At the SAME TIME.

Yay for scholarships. Thats 2 this year. I have to keep applying because I've had good luck. Too bad I didn't get the 1st place from work...but hell I'll take anything I can get.

If I could just get myself to run. I hate running. But exercising makes me feel so alive...and so tired.

I can take on 14 five year olds. At least thats what I'm told.

Bartending with 3 hands would be so much better than 2. Someone save me this Thursday. I'm going to have to be on my A game. As long as I make it through to Sunday. Strange Ways Here We Come.
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Jun. 4th, 2008 @ 10:09 pm i dont know
Current Location: home
State of being: gone
Experiencing: south park
I only spoke to one person in person today. He was and old man. And he served me a drink.

It was a long day. interesting. frustrating. quiet.

How do people ever live Alone.

Sometimes I wish I lived in a huge city...downtown..isolated and a stranger to everyone. But it would get old.

I woke up this morning and looked outside and wished it would rain. I hate cloudy days, and yet today I wanted one.

In a way though, I wanted an EP thunderstorm and not the ones I've seen out here.

One of the things I miss from back home is the food. I was lucky enough to get ahold of some Peytons Chorizo that really hit the spot. Mmm... the mexican food up here isn't quite the same as back home. I guess it makes sense that mexican food tastes best closer to MexICo. ;)

I've been on such a self given vacation these past 5 days. Time to get back to work and get productive. It is/was nice to rest and do whatever I pleased though. Yet such a comatose experience. J1 hornsbys
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